The darkness inside

I’m a child of the light,

Born to spread happiness to others,

A spark of joy for each and every soul,

I live to make others laugh,

But even though I am of the light,

There is a darkness deep dark inside me,

Hidden away like a old familiar scar upon my soul,

Dark and brooding and ready to strike at a moment’s notice,

Ready to spread across my eyes,

Clouding my judgement,

Preparing to torment me with its whirlwind of doubts,

Outsider,

Loner,

Misfit,

Like poison running through my veins,

Spreading across,

Loser,

Idiot,

Monster,

The younger me would have succumbed to the darkness,

It’s eternal prisoner,

Unable to scream,

Struggling against its ice cold chains,

Chains that are bonded to my wrists and ankles,

I have to remember these are just thoughts,

My thoughts,

My inner demon,

That loves to be in overdrive,

I must remember,

I fought for so much,

Survived,

Not only survived but conquered my challenges,

I have come a long way,

Through the darkness,

Searching for the light,

But the light has always been there,

Waiting for me to return

I now know I am a child of the light,

I want to help spread it’s joy,

But I have to accept its part of who I am,

A burden I must bare,

To energise others in my care,

As long as use to overcome myself,

I am no longer enslaved by the darkness,

I am of the light,

But the darkness is an old friend

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A journey through shadows

Circled by darkness,
The birds of shadow are hunting,
Waiting for my fall,
Scavengers of life,
Waiting to take me piece by piece,
The darkness spreads,
I no longer know what light is,
Despair pain and madness are all the same,
A vicious cycle that never seems to end,
I’m looking for someone to save me,
Why will no one save me,
Lost alone,
Bewildered,
I reach the abyss waiting for the shadows,
No one is there to save me,
I am alone,
I realise as I fall,
Wind rushing against my face,
Only one person can save me,
That is me the shadows,
I am the one circling,
Hunting myself down,
It is not weakness,
But fear of nothingness,
Of never being more than I am,
Embracing the darkness,
I no longer run away from its pull,
But neither do I let it drag me down,
Of the deep waters of the lagoon,
I embrace who I truly am,
And fight,
Fight against the current,
My arms spread,
Growing longer and wider,
Wings are forming,
Sheer will is my power,
Pulling against despair,
Shoulders burn with intensity,
As I fight to fly high above the sky,
The shadows pounce on my flesh,
I growl,
A beast is released from within my chest,
I fight to be amongst the skies,
To the one I truly I am,
To earn the white feathers,
With the black stripe around my waist,
Then you show up,
Showing me who I could be,
The shadows have gone,
I no longer fight,
I am happy for a time,
I learn to be more than fight over fear,
Laughter is in my heart,
But then you change,
Still beautiful but with a colder edge,
You want me to be something else,
Someone else,
You make me choose between those I love,
And you,
I am nearly torn in two,
Who am I,
I no longer know,
I never felt pain as much,
Since the fall of Man,
My soul has grown,
I love me for me now,
First time since forever,
How dare anyone try to turn me into a shell of the being I am,
I am proud of who I am,
Despite my flaws,
I remember the shadows,
Darkness,
Pain the beast from within,
I shall not fall,
But embrace who I am,
And battle the eternal battle,
Of life versus fear,
I will confront my  fear,
Amongst the line of shadows facing me,
Their faces cold with no emotions,
Ready to destroy me,
I am my strength,
My will, will be strong,
But I won’t forget the light that you showed me,
I now live instead of hiding from the shadows.

Living beyond Shodan

Shodan was a huge achievement for me, a life goal achieved an obsession of five and half years built up into one moment. I proved something to myself that day, I faced my fears and even shed a few tears.

My best friend was worried about me, he knew that I need something to focus on and without that focus or drive I could get very down. He was right and is one of the few people to know me so well.

Two or three  weeks before my grading I met my girlfriend, an elegant beautiful woman with a quirky side I love. I was worried that it could distract me from my grading, it couldn’t be further from the truth.

I found before during and afterwards I had some to look forward to other than karate, something that was special, it gave me a new strength to get through my grading.

I became more normal in that karate wasn’t the only thing to govern my life, I never went through that big depression I should of gone through knowing what my personality is like. But because of her I have not be as happy since I was in China.

I didn’t realise how obsessed and focused I was until I was chatting to a mate at work today, apparently all I talked about leading up to my grading was training, resting, training not wanting to rest but should, training. Some of the workouts he told me I did were intense, at least I know I trained harder than I realised I did for my grading. It does feel nice to be more relaxed, enjoy my training and enjoy living more.

Karate is a large part of my life, I have to do a bit of training in it a day to feel sane, but I now understand why some karateka struggle with family and karate. Example my mate would rather spend his whole Saturday with his family, which I understood, but I would think you could see them anytime training is special. Now I realise how wrong I was, and must make sure I fit both in to my life.

My girlfriend gives me a reason to believe in a better future, the world is a brighter and more beautiful place with her by my side.

Feel depressed, try and attempt a few handstands!

I have been feeling like a zombie recently, work drains your essence and it only allows you to have enough energy to focus on one or two hobbies outside of work. I know i shouldn’t get depressed, I am healthy and with my family but all the things I want to do and try, all the social stuff that always seems to be out of my grasp. I want to be a writer and write stories, but i don’t even have the mental energy to do that, lead alone read books and novels which helps to increase not only your imagination but also your vocabulary.

With my karate grading coming up I have stopped taking alcohol ( I only drink once or twice a week) which normally takes the edge off things, I didn’t even realise that I needed it, which means it is a good time to stop drinking for a while.

Injuries have made it harder to train, and i do love strength training and karate training, but i need to let my imagination be unleashed, people have always tried to insult me by saying that i am a dreamer, but to me that is a compliment. The greatest aspect of my personality is my dream or child like qualities or mindset. Even though that I am now 26, even 17 year olds think that I can act more childish then they are at times.

This may seem like a random detour, and it is the way i think, i just to one thing to another which have a small connection  but i could  never do handstands. Even when I tried out Capoeira for a while, I struggled with it, and when I started barstarzz like training, I couldn’t do it, and I didn’t try, I knew that even though i was getting stronger i couldn’t do it.

Then this week I was early for karate training, and I decided to have fun trying them with a big blue crash mat. It took the fear that I have with them (I have very heavy feet, so i tend to crash hard) and for 1/2 an hour I was just having child like fun practicing and failing them, I was surprised on how good a cardio workout it was, and how could my shoulders felt, but i was just having child like fun in pushing my boundaries, my limits.

I wanted to do it prior to yesterdays session, but Judo had booked the room and we ended up in the dance studio. I didn’t trust myself well enough in there to try it out. Today i felt even worse, once I get in a black mood, it is very hard for me to overcome it, its my day off and i can’t even write!

Then before during and afterwards, i decided to have fun and to play with handstands. I kept playing and the more i did it the better i got, some were up for a few seconds, I accidentally walked a few feet on my hands, I even did two mini partial handstand pressups before collapse  It made feel really really good. I wasn’t needing the big blue crash mat, the more i was practicing the better i got. I had to rest every so often because my shoulders got tired.

I never thought about doing handstands could be like some form of meditation to make me feel alive again. I was playing the tune deshi bassa (batman the dark knight rises, rise up), it get gave me such a lift, it was a great workout but i didn’t attend it to be one I just needed to have some child like fun and push my limits.