A change within me- Shodan-Ho

I have noticed a change within me, since I graded to shodan-ho (probationary blackbelt) in June. The first thing is that I am alot more comfortable in walking through a city by myself. Let me quickly elaborate on this point, I am use to walking through the city by myself, I often do so, but being brought up as a country person and with my overactive imagination I over think and worry about all the potential possibilities that could happen. I get very tense and can not be at ease.

On the one hand it is a very good thing, it makes me very aware of the environment around me and to be cautious, but you can’t enjoy yourself that much, as you always have this edge on you. When you have a few drinks to relax, I am still over analysing my environment which means I stay safe, but I can’t fully enjoy myself in the moment. I have always been like this, I recall being 14 and walking through the harbourside festival with my mother and sister and me being very tense, being very protective and then I couldn’t fully enjoy the atmosphere of the festival. 

I have become less tense since my Journey to China, growing in my own way, but I will still feel this tension outside my comfort zone, I suppose. But since the grading, I have been able to walk through the city while being relaxed and completely at ease. I have been able to enjoy drinking with my mates now more than before, but it hasn’t diminished my awareness, I am still observing possible signs of danger, I am just not over taxing my mind (and therefore tiring out my body). Probably for the first time in my life I feel like I can be more of myself in public.

It hasn’t been a conscious thing though, thats what I don’t understand, I know for alot of people who are Shodan-ho’s they are a blackbelt (in their mind) they finally earned it, and have to grade for it again in a years time. In my mind I am not a true blackbelt, just something in between a kyu grade and a Dan and that I need to prove to myself and earn my name on my blackbelt, that for me Shodan-ho is a year of hard training to earn what I have been training for, what I have been dreaming for. I don’t want to just pass my grading by sheer will, I want to pass it by showing how good I know I can become.

So I don’t know what’s changed within me, its just really nice to know that I can start enjoying life more.

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3 Responses to A change within me- Shodan-Ho

  1. Kristin :) says:

    I totally understand you about over analyzing situations :p Whenever I’m in a movie theater I kind of roam and assess the room before taking my seat…just to make sure there isn’t anything shady going on :p I always thought I was so weird! Lol. Also, congrats on your Shodan-Ho 🙂

    • djsolly1 says:

      Thanks Kristen, its nice to know that I’m not the only mad one! How are your martial art pursuits going? Sorry to hear about your friend!

      • Kristin :) says:

        Its going, I still haven’t had the opportunity to join a dojo over here..but I’m still doing conditioning with my friends. I really need to join one soon.

        Thanks, she was a young but accomplished martial artist. 🙂

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